Gawd damn insomnia

I was suffering from insomnia for the past 3 years. My young, energetic self before that had no idea of the effects of sleep or lack thereof.

You will never truly understand the pain of loss until it happens to you. Whoever said that probably suffered from insomnia. I was becoming envious of stray dog sleeping in dirt on the road. I was becoming a sad, sad person. The worst feeling ever.


A beginning of a new end…

The question is, how did I get to this point? To a point where my life has taken a twist, to yet another new beginning. Some would call it a phase. But I wonder if it’s really here to stay this time around.

I suppose I got tired, extremely tired of the rat race. You know where you need to achieve certain goals to be accepted by society, for recognition and to maintain certain standards. All you do is run around like a headless chicken trying to fit into the system and achieve something, anything that would make everyone happy. The moment you step out of home, you don’t even know who you are! Honestly. I wanted out.


So I chose freedom. Freedom to me is Happiness. Fresh, pure, I-cannot-live-without happiness. It’s probably the easiest to achieve or perhaps the hardest. It does not involve special skills. As a matter of fact, it just involves you and your thoughts. Freedom comes from within as I learned. It is as simple as that. Believe me. The Buddhists got it right, as it happens.

“We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves” – Lord Buddha

My biggest question was where should I begin? Luckily the answer was right between my eyes : from where it all began. Mind. Dammit. I was oblivious to all the little mind games that controlled my whole bloody life. And all this while I was convinced that my life was pretty great. Suddenly I felt confused and unsettled as I tried to make sense of this strange realization.

What consumes your mind controls your life. I remember reading that somewhere. Once I started reading and researching I understood that our mind is like a child absorbing whatever it sees or hears, unable to comprehend the consequences, may it be negative or positive. It makes you want more, giving it complete freedom to hop on to different thoughts, needs and desires that eventually leads to greed and selfishness. Greed, like sugar is the enemy, longing for more of everything until there’s no end to wanting, needing. If you stop looking around for more, you stop wondering if your life is good enough or what you have is good enough. The moment you stop comparing, you realize that what you have, really is good enough. Greed also leads to fear or one of them leads to the other. It’s like a cancer cell that grow out of control and invades the rest of the tissues. And fear my friend, fear steals your happiness. Sadly some people never get to realize this until it’s too late..

That was how I made a choice to become a happier person simply by realizing that I myself is the only person responsible for my own thoughts and actions. It may not be an interesting story to most but it just happens to be the story of how my life began. A beginning of a new end, a happy one…(ihope)